A Conspiracy? And Smarmy Friends With Benefits…

Real swamp monster make work of fiction, this not historical fiction though. All characters product of Real swamp monster’s imagination. Start with quote first:

“The individual is handicapped by coming face to face with a conspiracy so monstrous he cannot believe it exists.” J. Edgar Hoover

Three men are sitting around a desk, two in military uniforms, the other shirtless with his feet up on the desk, all smoking  Cuban cigars and laughing at each other’s stories of their days back with the Bureau.

A red phone on a desk across the office rings, momentarily disrupting their good time. The shirtless man rises from his desk, grumbling in his native language for the unwanted and inconvenient disruption.

Un-Shirted Man: “What greatest country in history of world want this time?”

The two men in uniform shake their heads as they stifle their laughs at Ratimir’s phone greeting.

Caller: Ratimir, thanks for taking my call. Have a minute to give an old friend some advice; maybe offer me some help?”

Rat turning to look at his two comrades, a sinister but fun-loving smile now on his face: “Senator Landers, old friend. What can Ratimir do to help you?”

More laughing erupts in the room. Clearly, Ratimir can’t resist having fun at the caller’s expense.

Caller: “Landers? Ratimir, what are you talking about, don’t you remember me? Do I sound like that crazy Senator Ernie Landers?”

Rat: “I’m just kidding. It’s an honor to speak with you again Secretary Blinton. Ratimir not recognize voice. Have you had cold lately? What intern husband shagging this week?”

Caller: “Ratimir, It’s Donald Jay and you know it. I need your help with an election. The polls say I Won’t get the results I want without help.”

Ratimir, still enjoying the moment with his comrades, puts the phone on speaker for all in the room to hear: “Donald Jay, why you care what Poland think about erection?”

Donald Jay: “Not erection you idiot, I said election. I don’t care what the Poles say; although some of my best friends are Polish, I mean polls as in who might win the election. And Donald Jay doesn’t need anybody’s help with an erection. Did you ever see my hands, trust me, they’re huge. Huge! There’s no problem there.”

And with that pronouncement, the laughter in the room is replaced; the sound of grown men now shifting uneasily on polished leather chairs and smoking imported Cuban cigars fills the air.

Ratimir, suddenly not so over-confident, struggling to keep thoughts of Donald Jay with an erection out of his mind: “This phone for emergency only; who give you this number anyway?”

Donald Jay: “That doesn’t matter Rat. But if you and those two puppet generals you take everywhere with you expect me to get you free rooms down the Jersey shore, you need to find a way to help me with my problem.

Ratimir: You mean election or erection?

Donal Jay: “I told you, I DON’T HAVE AN ERECTION PROBLEM, JUST ELECTION! See what you can do, I have to go, my White House tour group is coming back and I can’t let the guide catch me using this phone. She already got mad at me for sitting at the big desk in that round room. I think I’ll change the name of this place to the Right House.

Ratimir and his two generals sit in silence while they think about the phone conversation that just took place. After a few moments, a large grin comes across Ratimir’s face. His two generals begin to smile as well, however Ratimir had yet to tell them why they were smiling. Rat is the first to speak, “Comrades, we have opportunity, we can be first foreign country to own President of greatest country in history of world. With just little hard work, make Donald Jay believe we why he win election, put him forever in our debt.”

All three men laugh; laughs both evil and sinister; all three imagining benefits of owning a man like Donald Jay; all three remembering the days when they learned their spy craft with the Bureau.

Ratimir: “Comrades, Ratimir need to clear head, going to ride hores.”

“Sir, don’t you mean you’re going to ride your horse?”

Ratimir, clearly showing irritation at being questioned by an underling after being called idiot by Donald Jay replied, “That’s what I said, Ratimir just not good at spelling”

…To be continued?



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s